Its been a challenging last six weeks. My mind has oscillated between remembrances of the past, and hopes for a future, sandwiched between fully booked weekday hours aimed at consistently following my lifestyle habits: sleep, practice, work, exercise, clean, study, relax/play. There is no spare time- each segment of the day fits tightly against the next, and any loss of equilibrium means that one part has to wither temporarily until nourished/nurtured by adjustments of the whole.
The house/retreat center progresses steadily. The upstairs now has lighting, and storage shelving and spaces will be ready within days. Soon I will make the move upstairs, turning the second floor into a massive bedroom/practice/ healing space. Winter is knocking at the door, and now both heaters are operated, depending on task and time of day.
Next on the agenda is the entrance way into the house, and its replacement that will fit with the overall Japanese design aesthetic. A local expert has already been consulted, and tonight should give me an idea of just how much it will set me back to do it.
A long gone friend is back in Japan for a few months, and he managed to motivate my wandering posterior into action over the weekend, where the pair of us made incredible inroads into fixing the sliding doors and shoji paper surfaces of my traditional old house..
In amongst all this, I keep myself busy. I see my mind turning to the past, over and over, remembering a reality that was at once perfect and all wrong in equal measure. The thought of what if… torments me enough at times to seriously make the day and night a chore.
But I soldier on and practice, this lesson that has no punchline, this lesson that is a joke on my own ego and supposed understanding that I have of my own life.
The presence of a true friend close by is an absolute blessing. Without that, there are times I know I would be completely rudderless, unable to ford the obstacles that my life presents me with at this very juncture.
Friends are everything. Simple gestures by them, made without a second thought, can often have much deeper significance to the receiver. As such, I have been the beneficiary of so much love and care as people help me to re-balance myself, me, the sudden and unexpected single entity, and try to move on with authenticity in my own life journey.
For me, that means a lot of introspection and contemplation. I know very clearly what I do not want to be, and see just how many of the obstacles that I face in daily life are actually created just by me. Oh, the subtleties of practice…..